Money for gold

Dearest Fifi:

I can’t believe it has been several months since you have received a missive from me. You must be filled with worry!  Oh, Fifi, I have truly missed you. I just don’t feel like myself when we are out of touch for so long.   A  day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of you and make several toasts in your name.

The last few months my life has been strangely full of prayer and meditation and the secret exchange of  money for gold. 

It’s so difficult to explain how I end up in some of the places I do. Some times it’s a case of  feeling  bit out of sorts with things or it could be the excitement of doing something unexpected or it could be that I am down right bored out of my ever loving mind and need to shake the world by it’s axis.  And sometimes it is a matter of life or death. What has kept us apart, Fifi, has been a matter of life or death. Not mine, of course, well, not until the end, but what started it all was a phone call followed by a rather hasty decision to do the unthinkable!

A dear friend of mine, Tinsley, phoned one evening begging for my help. She was headed off on an extended vacation and was adamant that I go with her. She was down right out of her delicately balanced mind, talking a mile a minute and saying if I don’t go with her on this vacation, her life would be over!  Only men say that sort of thing to me so I knew this was an emergency situation. Of course I agreed to go because that is just the kind of friend I am. I promised her a few sips of something very lovely would start to fix whatever was bothering her. Oh dear, Fifi, I have to chuckle out loud when I think back to saying those words.

Saturday morning her car pulled around, her driver placed my bags in the trunk and off we went. I had asked several times where we are going and all Tinsley would tell me is that it’s a lovely exclusive spa and resort and that she can get some much needed rest there. Rest indeed! After several hours of driving  through upper New York we finally arrived. Just as we stepped into  the front entrance I suggested to Tinsley that before we even saw our rooms, we catch a quick drink at the bar and get our bearings. Of course I want her to start  feeling better immediately and a few sips of something lovely would start the trick!

What kind of estate is quiet, serene, tranquil, you know, all those words that paint the picture of spiritual healing? Yes, you are correct. It was a  retreat for those elite few searching for a hangover free morning. No bar, no cabana boys, no sips of anything! Imagine me in rehab. It bring laughter and tears to my eyes! Of course Tinsley felt just horrible about tricking me and I might have said a few cross words when I found out she had checked in for 90 days but I quickly recovered. You know, Fifi, fun can be found anywhere and money can always be exchanged for gold!

Our stay  was really quite lovely. I went to many meetings and learned that I really don’t need 357 pairs of shoes to feel good about myself. How anyone thinks my shoes do more than make me look fabulous is beyond me but that that is the feedback my “group” gave me. I love the fine art of  being deceptively shallow. There is some step they do to deal with behaviors such as that and fortunately,  I can’t remember which one it is.

I also learned that in every place I have ever been there has always been someone who will do something to make life better. I’m quite sure Francisco, a beautiful young man who does something there (how rude of me to have already forgotten!), enjoyed his tips just as much as I enjoyed the sips of something lovely he delivered to my room every night. 

Rehab is really quite an amazing adventure! All day, every day I was told and reminded of how special and fabulous I am!  I was told to meditate on those thoughts, sleep on those thoughts, talk all day about those thought to everyone!  All of that came naturally to me as I have a very clear vision of who I am. I just think it would be so much nicer if after a long day of thinking hard one could retire to the bar as ones mind goes back over the day’s event.

At day 47 I was really quite over all that interior exploration and began to think it might be a life or death situation for me if I didn’t get out of there. I feigned an urgent appointment in the City and was out of there before the fist “grateful” of the morning crossed anyone’s lips!

A quick update on Tinsley: rehab didn't go quite as well for her. We had a lovely lunch of salmon salad and martinis yesterday!

I am free to travel the world again so please let check your schedule and see if you are free to come along!

Sincerely,

Petunia who has her own version of the Serenity Prayer: Please grant me the serenity to accept those who will not bring me a sip of something lovely, the courage to ask those who will and the wisdom to know the difference.

Dearest Fifi:
Just look at how much can happen in one week, Fifi. It has been one of surprise and shock to say the least. However, I am happy to report that there is a bright ray of brilliant news to report among all the despair and grief. Bernie, that rat, got his today. God help us all if he lives longer than his sentence! I do believe when we have effectively blown ourselves up, rats, roaches and weeds will start the world anew. I was thinking the rats would be of the rodent variety but maybe I am wrong.

Please do accept my I deepest apology for needing to slip out for a bit during our stay in Italia. Oh, Fifi! One thing happened after another starting with this...

It was so dreadfully embarrassing! I should have gone to the lovely wedding with you and enjoyed sips of something wonderful! I try to avoid weddings. Many do not like the sound of sobbing in the background while they say their “I do's”. Because of this tiny little thing I do...I really don't know why people object! They could be tears of happiness. Who knows? I'm just saying it's possible...some are uncomfortable. Where was I? Oh...yes. I decided to take a little bicycle ride around Luca. It was a lovely day when I started. I even eventually figured out how to ride the bike! I was doing so well then out of the field comes this strapping, over the moon, kind of Italian man I had seen once...while I was daydreaming...and down I went! He most graciously assisted me, all the while I tried to keep him head down for fear he might know who I was! It was a terrible time to be meeting the man in my dreams, Fifi! I had just a few little marks from the crash but really, it was my ego that was banged up. I got back up on that damn machine and tried to speed off into the horizon and forget about the whole thing. Who knew someone else was watching this hideous event and would take a picture my accident? I was really hoping no one had noticed and that I could slink back home unidentified. And who knew that someone would send that picture to me and try to blackmail me? Imagine the nerve! I said I was completely unrecognizable in the picture and that if he didn't already known it was me, he wouldn't know who it was either! He continues to push and as a result, I have leaked the picture and the story to all the media myself so that he can't sell it! I will get through this little event much faster than I would ever be through paying him. When asked about it, I will simply ignore the questions and pretend the person asking has lost their mind to even think that story could be true and about me! I know how to do that very well! And it can be quite a bit of social fun, depending on the person.

I have attended a few very lovely events in the Hampton's the last few weeks. Things on that front are being to pick up although at all the parties everyone is always talking about real estate; so-and-sos estate is for sale/being foreclosed on and of course Bernie. His name is never far from any one's lips. I am attending a “sentencing” party tonight so of course Bernie will once again have to be discussed and thoroughly vilified. Should be a fabulous celebration! It's unfortunate no one really "dresses" out here as I guess that is part of being out of the City but tonight would be the best night to wear some fabulous large diamonds! I suppose they complement anything so maybe I will anyway!

I have been thinking I should look at some of the empty places I pass by everyday. So many have expressed their desire for me to be their neighbor. Maybe my own South Hampton residence would be lovely for me! I shall look for one with an art studio for you! Oh, Fifi, it would be fabulous to watch you paint when you come to visit...

Sincerely,
Petunia who thinks her most FAB jeans, a little white t-shirt and a Tiara is the perfect outfit the party.

Dearest Fifi:

Many think I do not have a clue to what is happening in the bigger picture but that is just not true. I am aware that a gorgeous pilot landed a big jet in the Hudson River. I may even remember his name if I think hard enough. I am aware that the country, and maybe even the entire world, has gone to hell due to decisions made by the men behind the curtain. I am also aware of the very sexy men in uniform who so brilliantly took out a few filthy pirates. So you see Fifi, I do know a few things about a few things. However, there are some things I know so much more about. One of them would be one Bernie Madoff.

Did I mention that I had met him on several occasions? Yes, there was a time we traveled in the same social circles but really, for the life of me, I could never understand what all those people saw in him as a person. They certainly saw dollar signs when they looked at him but other than that, it escapes me! To be quite blunt, Fifi, the man smelled very bad. His cologne was atrocious! The smell was so over powering that I just could not bring myself to get within speaking distance of him after the first occasion of assault on my senses. One would think that his wife would have better taste than that but, then, one must remember that they are new money and money will never buy anyone class or taste and, I guess in her case, a nose for fragrance! What money in the wrong hands can buy is trouble and disaster!

You must be wondering how this whole Bernie fiasco has effected me. Well, let me tell you. On the eve of December 11 I was having a lovely dinner at Elaine's in NYC, dining with several prominent ladies who were begging me to chair of some sort of “we must save the world” event. Just before the soufflé was served and as I was trying to figure out an acceptable reason to turn them down (you know I have no time for those things as my calendar is already so full with important dates and travel!) all the cell phones at the table went off. The entire restaurant began to sound like a very bad symphony with all the different ring tones filling up the place! My first thought was “How rude! One must always place ones phone on vibrate when dining out!” Oh Fifi, faces dropped like flies that night. Women were crying, men were cussing like sailors, phones were thrown! It was all quite a scene. I was very hurt that no one had called me on my phone to tell me whatever it was that everyone else was hearing about. You know how much I hate being left out. For the first time in my life I was happy not to be on a phone list.

That evening I was left to pick up the tab for dinner as all the ladies at the table were broke! Two minutes before they thought they owned the world and thought themselves to be so much better than the homeless man waiting outside to dine on their scraps. Hysterical crying the likes of which I have never seen erupted all around me. I was quite speechless! I was also not broke.

I did speak with his wife Ruth on several occasions. She was nice enough but could not hold any eye contact whatsoever when Bernie was in the room. Her eyes followed him around like a hawk. I suppose she thought he was something special and that other women might find him attractive but as I mentioned previously, the man smelled something awful. She really had nothing to worry about. But, worry she did. Close inspection of her revealed a few nips and tucks to her very uninspired face. I have to wonder why a woman would go through all that is required of such an ordeal to, in the end, still look so uninspired. I'm sure her doctor wished he'd had more to work with as well. I saw a picture of her recently and it would seem that all that money spent was for naught. She looks, quite honestly, like a woman whose husband ruined hundreds of lives. It is a very unattractive look but one she was destined to wear.

As my dinner companions were rising from the table in a mad rush to continue their breakdowns in private, I did think to offer up a new idea for a charity that might be near and dear to their hearts...them! But, I kept that thought to myself. It might have been seen as unkind as several found themselves to be without cab fare. Life can certainly change on a dime and even more so without one.

When the restaurant cleared of those whose phones had brought about knowledge of a new life, I looked around to see who was left. We all looked as shell shocked as our former dinner companions. I believe in that moment we knew the world had again changed but to what extent, we were not yet aware. This man has done the unforgivable. As this story continues to unfold, I will keep you informed.

Since that night, I have received many calls from Bernie's victims. Some want money, some call to see if they have been dropped from my guest list, some have called to yell at me because I did not invest with him and end up in ruins as they have. My response to that was one should never invest with an old man who bathes in horrendous cologne. I guess it was a bit late to be offering up that particular advice.

Oh, Fifi, the social circuit in New York City has changed dramatically in five months. The grand parties are all but gone. Many of the lovely homes that hosted le creme de le creme are being sold or have been simply abandoned. Although I did not lose a dime, life seems so bleak and boring. What good is money when there is no one to play with? Maybe it is time for us to plan another trip? Yes, maybe that would lift my spirits. I always have a grandtime when we are together!

In an effort to keep myself occupied while the City crumbles around me, I decided I would attend the big Astor trial that is going on here. And what an event it has been! In my next letter I will fill you in on all the juicy gossip!

Sincerely,
Petunia who believes that when something smells bad it is a warning that it is rotten.