Dearest Fifi:
Just look at how much can happen in one week, Fifi. It has been one of surprise and shock to say the least. However, I am happy to report that there is a bright ray of brilliant news to report among all the despair and grief. Bernie, that rat, got his today. God help us all if he lives longer than his sentence! I do believe when we have effectively blown ourselves up, rats, roaches and weeds will start the world anew. I was thinking the rats would be of the rodent variety but maybe I am wrong.

Please do accept my I deepest apology for needing to slip out for a bit during our stay in Italia. Oh, Fifi! One thing happened after another starting with this...

It was so dreadfully embarrassing! I should have gone to the lovely wedding with you and enjoyed sips of something wonderful! I try to avoid weddings. Many do not like the sound of sobbing in the background while they say their “I do's”. Because of this tiny little thing I do...I really don't know why people object! They could be tears of happiness. Who knows? I'm just saying it's possible...some are uncomfortable. Where was I? Oh...yes. I decided to take a little bicycle ride around Luca. It was a lovely day when I started. I even eventually figured out how to ride the bike! I was doing so well then out of the field comes this strapping, over the moon, kind of Italian man I had seen once...while I was daydreaming...and down I went! He most graciously assisted me, all the while I tried to keep him head down for fear he might know who I was! It was a terrible time to be meeting the man in my dreams, Fifi! I had just a few little marks from the crash but really, it was my ego that was banged up. I got back up on that damn machine and tried to speed off into the horizon and forget about the whole thing. Who knew someone else was watching this hideous event and would take a picture my accident? I was really hoping no one had noticed and that I could slink back home unidentified. And who knew that someone would send that picture to me and try to blackmail me? Imagine the nerve! I said I was completely unrecognizable in the picture and that if he didn't already known it was me, he wouldn't know who it was either! He continues to push and as a result, I have leaked the picture and the story to all the media myself so that he can't sell it! I will get through this little event much faster than I would ever be through paying him. When asked about it, I will simply ignore the questions and pretend the person asking has lost their mind to even think that story could be true and about me! I know how to do that very well! And it can be quite a bit of social fun, depending on the person.

I have attended a few very lovely events in the Hampton's the last few weeks. Things on that front are being to pick up although at all the parties everyone is always talking about real estate; so-and-sos estate is for sale/being foreclosed on and of course Bernie. His name is never far from any one's lips. I am attending a “sentencing” party tonight so of course Bernie will once again have to be discussed and thoroughly vilified. Should be a fabulous celebration! It's unfortunate no one really "dresses" out here as I guess that is part of being out of the City but tonight would be the best night to wear some fabulous large diamonds! I suppose they complement anything so maybe I will anyway!

I have been thinking I should look at some of the empty places I pass by everyday. So many have expressed their desire for me to be their neighbor. Maybe my own South Hampton residence would be lovely for me! I shall look for one with an art studio for you! Oh, Fifi, it would be fabulous to watch you paint when you come to visit...

Sincerely,
Petunia who thinks her most FAB jeans, a little white t-shirt and a Tiara is the perfect outfit the party.